94 Why Perfectionism Kills Manifestation: Societal Programming Holding Women Back

Hey there and welcome back to the Live Life Unapologetically podcast. I’m Shannon Kaye and in today’s episode we’re going to dive into something that holds a lot of women back from manifesting their true desires, and that’s perfectionism. And I’m not just talking about perfectionism on a surface level. We’re exploring today the societal programming that leads to perfectionism, that’s been ingrained into women so that women feel like that they have to be perfect before feeling worthy of asking for or receiving what they truly want to manifest. In the past couple weeks, we’ve looked at things that truly block women’s manifestations going through identity and all other kind of societal programming, and today we’re going to talk about perfectionism. A lot of times we look at our limiting beliefs and we’re looking at oh you know, I just don’t believe that money grows on trees and things like that we do need to address those limiting beliefs. But as we move forward in manifestation and I believe now more than ever, women should be manifesting a life that looks and feels good to them, unapologetically as fuck period, this is the time to do it. When it seems like it’s not the time, that’s when we have to rise up into our power and that’s when we need to do it. I want to encourage you, I want to really show you how society gets in the way of women manifesting, so that we can just address those things head on, so we can stop skirting things head on, so we can stop skirting past it, so we can stop saying, oh well, you know, that’s just how our world works. That’s the problem with blocks and manifestation is that we’re like oh, that’s just how our 3D world works and we can never get past that 3D world. We live in a patriarchal society, so for women to manifest their desires it’s more difficult because we have the programming of the patriarchy. But I want us to recognize it for what it is. What has it relates to manifestation, so we can move on, move past it, be more empowered and manifest a life that we truly love. If we have the power to manifest the reality that we desire through our beliefs, and that power is in us, then it doesn’t matter what’s happening outside of us. We have to get to a place where we understand that we have more power than what is outside of us. We have power that has been pushed down through so many centuries by patriarchal system. We have to tap back into our feminine power to manifest outside of the construct of those systems outside of the construct of those programming.

Speaker 1: 2:55

I wanna talk about perfectionism and that programming and how that programming directly affects women, so that we can then see it, empower ourselves past it and manifest what you deserve in this life. You deserve all the good things. So if you ever felt like you had to have everything just right before taking a step forward, before asking for your desires, before dreaming that big, beautiful desire, before you ask for more, then I want you to listen up. We’re going to break down this unconscious conditioning that shows up in our manifesting practices. More importantly, we’re going to talk about how to move past it. I want you to get comfy, get cozy as can be, grab your favorite drink and let’s dive into this.

Speaker 1: 3:42

First I want to start why perfectionism is such a major block to manifestation. Because, at the core, perfectionism is rooted in fear Fear of failing, fear of not being enough, fear of not getting the results you want. That fear, energy, is completely out of alignment with the energy of manifesting, which is all about ease and flow and trust. When you’re caught up in perfectionism, you’re in a state of tension, anxiety and control. You think, if I don’t do this perfectly, it’s not going to work and that energy keeps you stuck. You procrastinate, waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect conditions, the perfect plan. And the truth is that manifesting doesn’t require perfection. It does not. It requires progress, consistency and showing up for yourself. Manifesting just requires you to believe in the possibility.

Speaker 1: 4:41

Let’s dig into why so many of us women struggle with this. Because perfectionism isn’t just a personal trait. You know how some people are like oh, I’m just a perfectionist. It’s not a personal trait, it is something that society has programmed into you as a woman. From a young age, you were taught to work hard to prove yourself, to strive for perfection, to be taken seriously or feel worthy. You were told that you need to look perfect, act perfect and have perfect achievements. To be accepted and valued, you had to have a certain kind of body, a certain kind of look. That’s what’s acceptable, that’s what’s valuable. You have to be seen and not heard when we talk about acting perfect. You know give your ideas and give your input, but don’t be too aggressive, don’t be too loud, don’t push too much. Be humble, be meek. That’s a good woman. You’ll have perfect achievements because you know you have to be a high achiever to deserve to continue to go up. And even if you have high achievements, you know, if you become a mom, please put those on hold, oh wait. But still have a career and have all the balance. Do all of these things and that’s how you can be acceptable and valued.

Speaker 1: 5:52

But it’s kind of like in the Barbie movie, where she was talking about all the things that society puts on women. I want you to think about that, the things that you have to do and you’re striving for this perfect idea of a woman that just does not exist, but society tells you it does and you keep striving. And that’s why we’re stuck, not manifesting, not manifesting the business that we want with the business success that we want, because we don’t want to answer to anybody else. We’re going to create our own wealth, not having the relationships and always compromising ourselves and friendships and romantic relationships and work relationships, because we have to be perfect to be valued and accepted. Meanwhile, men are often praised for their competence, even when they’re less competent, they go for what they want to go for, even if they’re not fully prepared. But as women, we toil with this idea that we have to be perfectly qualified, perfectly put together and perfectly competent experts before we’re allowed to ask for what we want.

Speaker 1: 6:50

I looked up an article because I remember seeing this a couple of years ago and I’ve told you guys before, I worked in a woman-dominated field. I was an educator. But the patriarchy was so real in that space that, even though it was women who kept the system, who keep the system going, when it came to positions of power and leadership, better leave it to a man than a woman. And for a woman to get it, she had to work so hard to become the principal or the instructional coach or working curriculum or be the superintendent. She was more scrutinized than a man. You would have women who would apply for these jobs, who had been in education for so long, and they were like no, not her, let’s pick the man who hasn’t been in education as long, who hasn’t done as much as this woman. I saw at firsthand. Why is that?

Speaker 1: 7:40

I’m telling you this about jobs because this is really how we approach manifesting, especially manifesting wealth. When you think about promotions, you think, great, I’m going to get a promotion. With that promotion comes more money and a six-figure earner, a seven-figure earner, and bring that money to me with ease. I’ve checked all the boxes. I deserve it. Pick me, pick me.

Speaker 1: 8:16

So I looked up an article by the Harvard Business Review and I’ll link it in the description, and it talks about different things, but it talks about the societal things. I want to talk about the societal things, and why so? The first societal thing was that there is a bias in some work environments where women need to be more qualified to be hired than their male counterparts. So the report found that men are often hired or promoted based on their potential and women for their experience and track record. So coming up in our society, that’s not something just as a few businesses made up, it’s a societal program. Oh my gosh, look at this man’s potential, but woman. I need you to tell me about your experience and I need you to give a detailed list of your track record. So we go to the universe like that and we’re like okay, universe, I want to manifest money once again. And here’s all of my experience so far with manifestation. And here is my track record, here is my worth, based on what I think it’s based on, based on my perfectionism ideals, because we carry that into manifestation, because that has been put onto us as a program where, when men are manifesting. They’re just thinking about the potential, because that’s how society sees the difference. And the second thing and I thought this was very interesting as well Anybody can tell you that I always was like no, no, no, I follow the rules, I don’t break the rules.

Speaker 1: 9:42

One of my friends was like girl, you better ask for forgiveness instead of permission. Stop asking for permission, ask for forgiveness, Because I’m like no, I follow the rules and I drive the speed limit and I do what I’m told verbatim and it drives me crazy to break the rules and I’m a rebellious person. I always thought I was rebellious, so it’s kind of a paradox I will follow the rules, but I’m rebellious. If it’s something that people think is popular, then I’m not going to do that. But when it comes to relationships, when it comes to just rules in general Like I’m such a rule follower, I’m like where did that come from Society?

Speaker 1: 10:18

This article really touched on it. It says girls are strongly socialized to follow rules in school and they get rewarded for following the rules, and it talks about how that their success is attributed to how good they follow the rules. So rule following becomes a habit at a cost. At a cost for should I apply. We’re talking about jobs. Well, honey, if you’re too scared to apply for a job, you’re gonna be too scared to apply to the universe and say I want this.

Speaker 1: 10:46

As a matter of fact, when we’re talking about following rules and asking for permission, you don’t have to ask the universe for permission. I don’t know why we think that. I don’t know why we think we have to go to the universe just down on our knees and humbled and like we’re unworthy, like it’s gifting something to us that we’re not deserving because we’re not perfect. No, you go boldly and say I’m co-creating with you, I believe this and that is what will happen. You show up in your authority because you have authority, but because we focus so much on perfectionism, we don’t walk in that authority and then we don’t manifest what we want fully, because perfectionism keeps you from walking in your power and your authority to create your reality. You get to create your reality. You’re the creator. How many times have you thought of a desire that you wanted to ask the universe for, but you thought no, I probably need to do X, y and Z first, then I can come and ask the universe?

Speaker 1: 11:51

I had somebody that I was speaking with the other day and she was telling me about she’s starting a business. We were talking about different things and she said she really comes back to comparison and comparison often leads you to try to be more perfect. Like I said, she’s starting a business, she’s doing something new in her life. She needs to walk in that power. She doesn’t have to have all the expertise, she doesn’t have to have any of that, she just needs to know. This is what I’m asking for. She doesn’t need to baby step it right. We baby step stuff because of this perfectionism idea. So her baby step might be like oh, I just want a few clients this year and we do this in business all the time because we hear this as another societal program. The first five years of your business are years that you’re not going to make a profit. Nobody turns a profit in business until after five years.

Speaker 1: 12:35

Well, if she has on her heart to start a business, that’s her passion and purpose and she wants to manifest a business, screw timelines that are man-made. Walk in her power. She can walk up in her power to the universe and say my desire is to have this business and then she just needs to align to it and let it happen, with the universe being in alignment Not an alignment of the timeline that society says, not in alignment with the perfection that society programs into her. She can walk into her business and say I’m aligned because the universe says I can have whatever I believe, period. There’s no qualifications. You want to be an expert who cares. The universe will give you what you ask for if you believe. But you have to let go of the perfectionism. Who cares if it’s sloppy? Who cares if it’s messy? The universe is going to work all of that out. Tap into the power regardless.

Speaker 1: 13:24

So many of the ideas of what is perfect are man-made. They’re man-made and they’re one-sided because men can go based on potential, but women, we get stuck based on a list of did I mark everything off? Does this track? No, go based on your potential. So to the woman that I know who’s starting her business and I know she listens to the podcast go to your potential, screw everything else. Tap into knowing I have all the potential in the world. If this was placed on your heart as a desire and it’s authentic to you, then you have the potential for it. That’s all you need, because this programming of perfectionism, especially for women, is just harmful.

Speaker 1: 14:01

It blocks manifestation. This constantly waiting to be perfect before asking for what you want, or thinking you deserve what you want, or shrinking your requests because you don’t feel like you’ve earned more yet is keeping you out of alignment with your true, honest desires. How else does this show up? You know we’re talking about wealth and money and this shows up in just going to show up in the world confident and I’m going to go to my manifestations and I’m going to go to the universe confidently your confidence is automatically shot. Like dads can have dad bods and that’s so cute, but as a mom, you’re not supposed to look like you had a baby at all, right. So this kind of programming in our society and the difference between men and women and that’s why I’m really harping on societal programming for women, because I truly need you to understand how this affects you going through the world in a way you may not even think about when you’re trying to manifest how are you showing up? Just looking, how you look after, like I birthed four babies out of my body. It looks the way it looks. Get over it. That’s just my thoughts on it. But how you feel about yourself and your appearance directly impacts how you show up in the confidence you show up in. Well, if you don’t have confidence and you’re trying to be perfect and work all that out, how are you manifesting what you want? How are you getting that? How are you getting there? So perfectionism is going to kill it every single time.

Speaker 1: 15:26

There’s a lot of pressure on women to be perfect in so many areas of their life. Many times we don’t even realize that this societal pressure is influencing our manifesting practices. We think we’re just being responsible or realistic, but in fact we’re just holding ourselves back. We lessen our hopes, believing that the universe is going to disappoint us if we ask for something too great because we just aren’t there yet, we’re just not good enough yet. This mindset creates resistance, a layer of resistance that, until we really look at it, we can’t move past it, because manifesting is about asking, believing and receiving. If you’re doubting your worth, if you’re doubting if you’re good enough, or if you’re feeling like, well, I have to be perfect first before you can receive, then that’s blocking you. The universe responds to your energy and if your energy is wrapped up in doubt and fear, you’re never going to be in a position to receive. So how do we move past this if it is so ingrained in our societal structures and in our systems? And we’re women and we’re sitting here trying to manifest that.

Speaker 1: 16:33

We’re a time when people are saying, well, women are too much and doing too much. Let’s put women back in their place, because really that is an underlying sentiment that’s going across the country politically and some people say don’t bring politics into manifestation, why not? We have to understand the programs and systems that we’re a part of, to break out of them. How can I empower myself and get over something that limits me? If I don’t understand what’s limiting me Doesn’t mean that I am going to fall into it and say, well, that’s just how it is.

Speaker 1: 17:02

The point here is to say screw the system. The point here is to say I’m more powerful than a system and you are. You have to manifest from that place. When you want to start manifesting from that place of power, it has to be from a place of worthiness and self-love rather than perfectionism, rather than trying to check off what you think is acceptable, rather than trying to check off what society tells you is acceptable, screw that. Like I said, I used to be a rule follower. I don’t care anymore. I’m here to break the rules, to manifest the life that I want. What rules has society put on you that you need to break so that you can manifest what you want unapologetically?

Speaker 1: 17:45

You can start by practicing self-awareness and becoming aware of when you’re shrinking your desires. Or when you’re shrinking your desires or when you’re telling yourself you need to be perfect or you need to be better or you need to improve more before you ask for it. Are you lowering your expectations because you don’t feel worthy? Are you lowering your expectations because you feel like you need to achieve more before you can ask for it? Recognize that pattern first, so that you can take the step in breaking it. How does this play out in your life? How does perfectionism through societal standards play a role and be aware of how it plays a role in how you show up?

Speaker 1: 18:22

Now I need you to believe in your worthiness. That’s the second thing I’m going to need you to do is believe in your worthiness, because a huge part of manifesting is believing that you’re worthy of your desires. I know that society may have taught you otherwise, as a woman, that you can’t desire certain things, you shouldn’t desire certain things, or that you have to be perfect, to be able to desire those things. But I need you to rewrite that narrative by practicing self-love and affirming your worthiness daily, daily, multiple times a day. Remind yourself I am enough right now as I am and I am worthy of all of the good things I desire. The third thing is to empower yourself with new beliefs. Once you’ve identified where perfectionism has taken root in your life, now I need you to replace it with some new beliefs. Replace the limiting beliefs that society has instilled with you with empowering ones.

Speaker 1: 19:12

Instead of saying I need to be perfect before I can get what I want, start saying consistent action is enough. The universe rewards my effort and my belief, not my perfection. Take small, imperfect actions. You know we’ve been touting this phrase all over the internet for quite some time progress over perfection. But I still believe women flip it Perfection over progress.

Speaker 1: 19:37

So many of us and I’m talking to you today, to that woman I’m not talking about perfectionism when it comes to keeping your house tidy even though, well, that’s another thing, too tidy, even though, well, that’s another thing too but I’m really talking about that perfectionism of worthiness, feeling that I’m not perfect yet, so I’m not worthy. There’s no such thing as perfection. So I’m going to need you to just take imperfect action, sloppy action, any small step you take to bring you closer to your desire. The key is to move forward, even if it’s messy, even if it’s imperfect. Beseech the universe to replace your beliefs, to know that the universe is not looking for flawless action, it’s just looking for aligned action. It’s looking for that alignment of your thoughts, your emotions, your beliefs. Do you believe you’re worthy? Do you want this desire? And how are you going to align to this desire, regardless of societal expectations or limitations? Align to it regardless. Break the rules that say I have to be a perfect woman to get what I want, because society teaches us that when you reach perfection, sometimes as a woman, you don’t get what you want anyway. So what is the point of trying to play by those rules? Play by your own rule.

Speaker 1: 20:46

There’s something that I like to do when it comes to perfectionism that could probably help you when it talks about small, imperfect actions, when you’re trying to change your belief. I did it with baking Christmas cookies last year and that’s where I started, and I just started doing a whole bunch of other things. I purposely did stuff imperfectly, like I decorated the cookies without trying to make them pretty. I was just throwing frosting on there and guess what? They tasted the same, didn’t matter what the frosting looked like on top of the cookie. It still tasted good. Who cares? Do things imperfectly? Do your hair imperfect one day? You know different things like that. Whatever it is, make your bed imperfectly, did you still get in and it felt all cozy at the end of the day? Yeah, things don’t have to be perfect, and neither do you. Okay, so that’s just something that I do and that I did to help with this perfectionism limiting belief, because perfectionism is just a limiting belief, as I just started doing stuff imperfectly on purpose, like purposely, just fucking it up To teach myself it didn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.

Speaker 1: 21:47

Your challenge this week is to just let go of the need of being perfect, focus on taking one small imperfect action towards your desire and celebrate it. I sure as hell celebrated those imperfect cookies. You know the Thanksgiving break’s coming up, we’re all cooking and doing all that other stuff. What if? What if your pie crust isn’t perfectly shaped? What if you didn’t make the homemade pie but you bought one from the store? What if you didn’t set everything out on beautiful dishes and make it a Pinterest-worthy meal, but you just put everything in a foil pan and told everybody to go to town.

Speaker 1: 22:21

What can you do to teach yourself that stuff doesn’t have to be perfect? And the reason I say those type of things is because you teach yourself with those type of actions. I say those type of things is because you teach yourself with those type of actions. So then you can then transfer that to the more abstract idea of I don’t have to be perfect to manifest wealth. I don’t have to be perfect to ask the universe to deliver me my desires. I’m a very tangible to abstract person in my teaching.

Speaker 1: 22:43

This podcast is me teaching you. What I know is when we’re learning things, we have to have a tangible action first that then go into abstract. You can’t start with the abstract. So some of these tips I give you may not seem very manifesting, but you have to train your brain that imperfection is okay through something tangible before you can transfer it over to the abstract world of manifestation, because abstract is just in your mind, right, it’s just not physical. So doing those physical actions is gonna open your brain up to learning and being able to apply it in an abstract way.

Speaker 1: 23:15

So find something crazy weird that you can be imperfect with this week. Just do it imperfectly and reflect on that. Reflect on not fluffing the couch pillows perfectly. Reflect on not ironing perfectly. I never iron perfectly, I don’t care. That’s iron perfectly, I don’t care. That’s one thing I don’t strive for. Iron your pants by just going over them, but they don’t have to be perfectly pressed, whatever it is.

Speaker 1: 23:34

Find something to start teaching yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect. And then you celebrate it like, yeah, I put my clothes on, it doesn’t really matter, because when I sit in the car they get wrinkled anyway. Huh, look at that. You know who cares. Who cares if isn’t perfect? What can you do? That’s not perfect? Find something and then you’re going to see through that tangible aspect that it isn’t even an issue. And then you can be like, if it’s not an issue, then I can manifest what I want, even though I’m not perfect. The more you show up for yourself, the more you believe in your worth, the more you let go of perfection, the more that you can co-create and tap into the power of the universe within you to have your desires come into your reality. If you’re ready to go deeper, to discover your core identity, to build a strong self-concept so the manifestation can happen.

Speaker 1: 24:26

Naturally, join my Manifest she coaching. We’re going to start by stripping away expectations, perfectionism, all of these societal programs that have been holding you back, and then reconnect you with who you really are, because it’s about manifesting a life that feels deeply aligned and true to you, without resistance. So you can find more information in the show notes, in the show description. You can click there’s a link there or you can go to coachingwithshannonkcom. It’ll take you right there to get more information on Manifest she.

Speaker 1: 25:00

I am going to let you know that I only have two spots for the remainder of the year. I’m only taking two more after the remainder of the year. So if you sign up one, two they’re done. That’s all I’m working with. From now until the rest of the year is. I’m taking on two. If you want to get one of those two spots, you need to go and sign up for them today, before they are gone, because I am going to limit them. I want you to know that you don’t have to be perfect. As a matter of fact, better to not be perfect to manifest what you want than to be perfect this week. I want you to purposefully be imperfect and show the universe that you are ready to drop that programming. I’ll chat with you next week.